


When it's all over

by AngelOnFire (Katherine3)



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-23 22:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20347723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katherine3/pseuds/AngelOnFire
Summary: Andrew's in mourning and he keeps seeing his dead boyfriend.





	When it's all over

**Author's Note:**

> Wasn't beta'd or anything.
> 
> TW: blood, death, being shot... if you think of anything else that should be listed, let me know.

Ever since Neil died, Andrew can’t find a place for himself. 

He lost everything. He lost the love of his life, he lost his home, he lost his soulmate. He’s never believed in any of that soul crap, but with the way he’s feeling right now, he can’t deny that half of him is gone.

Andrew felt many things in his life and then he learned to feel nothing at all. But this, this is something else. This is a new kind of numbness. New kind of emptiness. And the worst part is, that he can feel something behind it. He can feel it rushing to the surface and he’s not strong enough to stop it.

A small whimper escapes Andrew’s lips, as he runs his hand through his hair aggressively, looking around the motel room. He doesn’t even know how he got there, or why he’s standing in the middle of it, as he’s been living on an autopilot for the past month. He knows he wouldn’t be alone in the Fox Tower, or the house in Columbia, or even the roof. He knows Nicky wouldn’t let him be alone after what happened.

Andrew can still see the blood on the side of Neil’s face, he can still see his shaking hands and wobbling lips.

Andrew’s own lower lip starts to shake at the memory. Or is it more of a flashback? Andrew has no idea when he started crying, but the sobs leaving his lips and tears running down his cheeks mean he must’ve started at some point. He can’t remember the last time he cried and he hates himself for doing it now, but he can’t stop it.

Does it even matter? He’s alone. No one will care. No one will see.

Before he knows it, he’s kneeling on the carpet, fists clenching to the fibers, as he lets himself scream and sob. He lets himself get out everything he’s been keeping in for the last month, or maybe even longer than that.

After a while, could be an hour, could be eternity, or could be just 5 minutes, Andrew finds himself with his forehead pressed to the carpet, sobs shaking his body, as he doesn’t have enough strength to scream anymore.

“Andrew?”

Andrew freezes as he hears a voice speak his name. Not a voice, the voice.

No, it’s impossible. He’s hallucinating. Maybe he fell asleep on the carpet and started dreaming?

Andrew quickly pulls himself up to be on his hands and knees. His vision is blurry from the tears, but he could recognise that face even if there were actual wall between them.

“Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay,” Neil’s voice is soft. He’s kneeling in front of Andrew, watching him with wide eyes.

How pathetic must he be to imagine his dead boyfriend being in front of him?

Imaginary or not, Andrew would never want Neil to see him crying, so he sits back on his heels and quickly wipes his face with the sleeves of his shirt. Now that his vision is a bit cleared, he can see Neil kneeling in front of him, worry obvious on his face. His auburn hair is bright as always, his blue eyes wide.

For a second Andrew can see the blood on the side of Neil’s face again and feels himself getting sick. It takes all of his will power to keep his face as emotionless as possible, but he’s sure that the red, puffy eyes and sniffling kind of ruin the vibe.

“It’s impossible. You’re not really here with me,” Andrew says, feeling almost angry at himself for this hallucination.

Neil’s face changes from worried, to confused, to sad, before he finally speaks, “no, I’m not here with you.”

Andrew knows it, but having Neil admit it, still hurts. Maybe somewhere deep, deep down he hoped that it was all just a big misunderstanding, that his boyfriend wasn’t really dead and was now kneeling right in front of him.

“I need to tell you something,” Andrew says, before he can think any better of it. He goes back to all fours and crawls over to Neil, so they are sitting face to face, close to each other. “I should’ve told you before you-” the blond chokes a little on his words, “I just should’ve told you before. We weren’t nothing to me. We were everything. You were everything to me.”

Andrew can see Neil’s face twist as if he’s trying to stop his own tears from flooding his eyes. Neil raises his hand and stops it in front of Andrew’s face, waiting for permission. The blond nods and closes his eyes for a second, preparing for the touch, but he feels nothing.

When he opens his eyes, Neil’s lips are pressed in a thin line and he’s staring at his own hand. It’s placed on Andrew’s cheek, he can see it, but he can’t feel it. He wonders if Neil can feel him.

“I’m sorry, Andrew,” Neil finally whispers and after Andrew blinks, he’s gone.

For the next hour Andrew can hear a soft, muffled sound of crying that isn’t his own.

-

Andrew clenches his fists on the wheel. He can see his knuckles going white from the force he uses, but he can’t bring it in himself to relax. He’s just so damn angry!

The blond lets out a groan, before he hits the wheel with his fist, making the horn sound a few times in a raw. He doesn’t care if anyone sees or hears it.

Andrew can see a movement with the corner of his eye and turns his head to see Neil, jumping on the passenger's seat when Andrew’s fist hits the horn for the last time.

Neil’s eyes are opened wide, from surprise probably. And Andrew can’t say he’s not surprised as well. Since the first and last time they saw each other a few weeks have past. Or maybe it was months? Andrew thought the hallucination was a one time incident, but apparently not.

“I start to think you might be stalking me,” Andrew says, raising his eyebrow at the other man. He can see the corner of Neil’s lips twitch in an almost smile. Neil turns his face to the front window and Andrew can see it again, the blood going from his temple to his jaw.

Neil turns his head back towards Andrew, but he stays silent, just watching him, as if he’s trying to memorise his face. As if he hadn’t done it already. As if they don’t know every inch of each other.

“I’ve always knew you were a pipe dream,” Andrew whispers, as he watches Neil’s face in return. He has no idea what is happening or why, but he has a chance to see Neil again. To talk to him. He’s not going to let it go easily.

“Why are you here?” Neil asks instead.

Andrew looks around at the parking lot. They’re on a parking lot in front of a diner, somewhere near a highway. What is he doing here is a really good question.

“I don’t know,” Andrew admits, before his eyes fall back on Neil. "Ever since you've been gone, I've been going around with no purpose."

Neil frowns and tilts his head to a side, confusion clear on his face, "ever since I've been…" he repeats Andrew's words in disbelief. 

Shit, is that possible? Does Neil not know that he's dead? That he's just Andrew's imagination?

"Oh," Neil lets out after a moment of silence that lingers between them, before he nods softly. He licks his lips and opens them to say something, but before he can, Andrew blinks and Neil is gone again.

-

Andrew pulls his legs up, resting the heels of his shoes on the chair as he pulls his knees to his chin. He rests his cheek on his knees and just looks out the window of the diner. It’s already dark outside and in the small beam of the street light, he can tell that it’s raining.

Andrew blinks and in the window’s reflection he can see someone is sitting at the table with him. He looks up only to see Neil staring at him calmly. His hair and shirt are wet, as if he just walked into the diner or something.

The auburn-haired man’s eyes are a bit puffy and red as he stares at Andrew. He must’ve been crying. Can ghosts even cry? Either way, at that moment his eyes don’t seem sad. As a matter of fact, they actually seem empty.

“Hi,” Neil simply says.

“Hi,” Andrew simply replies.

They just stare at each other for what feels like forever. Their eye contact is so intense that Andrew almost misses the waitress putting down a cup of coffee on the table.

“Is everything okay, sir?” she asks.

“Fine,” both him and Neil say at the same time, neither of them taking their eyes off the other.

The woman just hums and leaves. Andrew isn’t sure why Neil spoke, after all, the woman most probably couldn’t hear him.

Either way, she leaves them alone. Neil sighs, looking down at the table and shaking head. A few drops of water fall off the auburn strands. Andrew sighs as he leans back, folding his arms over his chest.

They sit in silence. Andrew would ask what it’s like on the other side, but he doesn’t really care. He focuses on admiring Neil’s face, the way he licks his lips, the way his wet hair stick to his forehead, the way the light shines in the blue of his eyes.

Andrew never thought he’d see him again, but here he is, looking as if he were real, even though Andrew knows better.

Neil is a product of his imagination, there is no other way to explain it. There is no such thing as ghosts. Andrew is just grieving and the effect of that is imagining his dead boyfriend sitting in front of him, when he is in fact alone.

He’s never felt lonely before, but it seems like he just started to.

“Talk to me,” Andrew finally says and Neil looks up as if he forgot that the blond was still there.

“I’m tired,” is all Neil says and Andrew just stares at him in disbelieve. So he imagined his dead boyfriend just so he could hear Neil say that he’s tired? What’s the point?

But real or not, Andrew is always going to respect Neil’s answer, so he just sits there and takes his time in remembering every detail of the other man’s face. It’s not like he has to, he has a perfect memory, he obviously remembers all of those things already. Like the freckle under Neil’s left eye and that one annoying white eyelash amongst all the black ones. The bags under his eyes aren’t new either, but they seem a bit deeper than they usually are. So Neil didn’t lie when he said that he’s tired, he really looks it. But Andrew still watches every detail, because he knows that sooner or later Neil will disappear.

And after just a few minutes, he does.

-

Andrew lays on the bed in his room, in their room, and stairs at the ceiling. He’s been avoiding coming into the house in Columbia for a long time. He can see signs of Neil everywhere. Neil’s hoodie on the floor, that Andrew told him to pick up about a million times but every time he undressed, it kept landing in the same place. Neil’s deodorant on top of the chest of drawers. Neil’s pillow that somehow still smelled like him after all of those weeks.

“You need to stop this,” a voice next to him suddenly says.

Andrew looks over and sees Neil laying next to him. Half of his face and the pillow under his cheek are covered in blood. The blond swallows and blinks a few times. The blood is gone.

“Doing what?” he asks in return.

“Appear again and again. I can’t take this. I need… I need to move on,” Neil whispers.

Andrew frowns deeply, sitting up, but not taking his eyes off the other man, too afraid that if he looks away even for a second, Neil will disappear.

“What are you talking about?” he questions in confusion.

“Look, I- I don’t know what this is. All I know is that I have to move on,” Neil says, his voice almost desperate as he sits up to face Andrew. He reaches up and Andrew gives him a nod, before Neil rests his hand on his cheek and his forehead against the blond’s.

Andrew can’t feel any of this touch, but he can see it. He doesn’t close his eyes. Neil does.

“Andrew, I can’t love a ghost for the rest of my life,” the auburned hair man whispers, before sniffling softly.

Andrew frowns as he pulls back, shaking his head. No, this isn’t right.

“Neil, what-” he stops himself when the other man looks up at him, his blue eyes filled with tears and half of his face covered in blood. Andrew feels pain in his heart. This shouldn’t be happening. He should’ve done something. He promised.

Before he can stop himself, he reaches up and touches Neil’s cheek. He can feel the wetness and thickness of blood, “Neil, I’m sorry,” he whispers what is probably the most genuine apology of his entire life, “I’m sorry that I couldn’t save you.”

Neil frowns as he leans a little into the touch. Andrew wonders if he can feel his hand on his cheek.

“Andrew,” Neil whispers, his voice weak and shaking, “you’re the one who saved me.”

“What?” Andrew mumbles, shaking his head in confusion.

Then the memories hit him. The two of them were walking down the street when suddenly one of Nathan’s man appeared out of nowhere and pointed a gun at Neil. Before Andrew could think, he pushed the other out of the way and took the shot. He felt the bullet enter his chest and fell on the ground. Soon Neil’s face appeared in his vision, his eyes blown in fear. Andrew reached up for the other man, placing his hand on Neil’s cheek and leaving a bloody print on his skin. Neil was saying something, but Andrew couldn’t hear him anymore. He was losing too much blood. He was dead before an ambulance could reach them.

Andrew jumps off the bed and looks down at his clothes. There’s a hole in his shirt. If bullet went through it, it probably hit his heart, he had no chance at surviving this.

Andrew starts to think about his last few weeks. How he felt completely lost. It’s like when you dream and no matter how weird things are, you don’t notice it until you wake up.

Andrew suddenly realises he hasn’t seen Nicky or Aaron for weeks. He hasn’t seen anyone other than Neil, to be fair. Sure, there was the waitress, but Andrew only saw her hand for like a second. He was in the hotel room, but never checked in. He sat behind a wheel of a car that wasn’t his. He was in a restaurant, not remembering how he got inside. Maybe he was tied to Neil. Maybe he just was where Neil was?

Andrew gets off the bed, shaking his head. No, this is not possible. He’s not a ghost. He can’t be. Ghosts aren’t real.

Neil gets up with him, trying to stop him without touching, but Andrew just can’t stop pacing the small room.

“Andrew, I- Seeing you again is as wonderful as it is painful. I just… I have to let you go now.”

Andrew stops in his tracks, just to look at Neil. What is he supposed to do now.

“So, Andrew. Just know that I love you. And I will always love you. And I’m letting you go.”

Neil’s voice is weak and Andrew can see the tears in his eyes. He can feel himself disappearing. His thoughts are unfocused, his vision blurred.

“I love you, too” Andrew manages to reply, before he completely disappears. He just hopes that Neil heard him.


End file.
